10/3/12 Deep Hole

Someone recently said that having a child with bipolar disorder created a strong feeling in them. One of being totally lonely. We have a very strong family support group but I can see how even with a strong support group you could easily feel completely alone. Joshua has a tendency to isolate himself which in turn isolates his caregiver. He did manage to get to school on Monday but came home scratched and bruised from his struggles with the staff. In that day that he was not home I found myself doing the same thing Joshua does, isolating myself. Since we have had such a long stretch of not so good days I find myself in the bottom of a deep hole of depression. Wanting the best for my little man but not even sure what that is anymore. I know I want him to live the best life he can but not sure what that life is going to be like for him, or us. When everyday is a struggle for him just to keep his emotions and rage in check. Over the past few weeks we have had days where for hours he would obsess on his mom not being home. He would lay on the floor and yell constantly for hours one word, "Momma,Momma,Momma". He would do this over and over just taking enough time in between to take a breath. No matter what I said or did he was not able to get a grip on his obsessing. By the end of the day we are both worn out. Him from his obsessiveness and me just emotionally drained.  So wish there was some way this cup had passed from us.