9/26/12 BTTC Evaluation Visit

Today was our day to visit BTTC a local facility that uses ABA trained staff to modify behavior. Josh would not let go of my hand or mom's had the entire time we were there. It was a good meeting and I do believe it would be a good program for him. The facility was clean and staff was very nice. We toured the facility and I was quite impressed with some of the offerings. They have school classes on grounds that is staffed with educators from the local school district. The residence halls were not massive like the ones at HCPC or Kingwood Pines. It was a quaint little house almost but did have everything the kids need to succeed. When we were touring the residence, the kids and staff were having lunch. Everyone sitting at the table with staff mixed in with the kids. It was almost like a family dinning table. The meals are prepared on site by the staff and the kids help with taking care of cleaning up after the meal. Like most families should. We will more than likely hear by weeks end if Joshua was accepted into the program and he could be on site in as soon as three weeks. The only drawback to the facility is the distance from home and the fact that our income has already gone down just due to health insurance cost. It is going to be interesting to go back and forth so much as they have activities we have to participate in with Joshua. So trim here scrimp there to make sure we have gas in the car to make the trips. Wish us luck.

So frustrating

We're trying to take things one day at a time, but it's getting so frustrating.  As soon as Joshua takes one step forward, it seems like he takes two steps back.  Bryan described Joshua's start to school and his steady decline back into aggressive behavior.  It's so hard for me to be at work all day and I can't do anything to help either of them.  We decided to let Joshua go on Homebound for school, but they've rejected it.  Now they want another ARD meeting...for what?  They don't understand and I've given up hope that they will.  We're trying to ride it out until the assessment meeting at the residential treatment center.  Maybe they can give us a timeline for when we can get him into treatment.  After I heard from Bryan that Josh was aggressive with him again today, I stopped to take a break and look at my devotional from this morning (didn't get to it until now :( ). 

It's titled "From Tears to Triumph" by Mary Southerland:  Toward the end of the devotional she states, "You see, it is easy to have faith and to trust God when the wind is still, the waters are calm and the nets are full of fish, but the true measure of our faith is in the midst of the howling storm. His comfort is best realized when our pain is strongest. The darker it gets, the brighter His light shines. We may be down, girlfriend, but we are never out because God is the Shepherd of every valley, Lord of every storm and Friend of the wounded heart."

Give me strength, dear Lord, through this storm!

God Bless!

9/18/12 Missing in Action

I have not updated the blog much recently. Joshua had been doing better with no aggression to speak of at home. School on the other hand is another story. Every day that he went which wasn't often there was trouble. Except for the first day of course. This is such a battle with him to get him ready and to the bus or even take him to school. As he gets closer to getting to the building his anxiety goes crazy. Friday my wife had a funeral to attend but Joshua had decided he wanted to go to school. This was the first time all week. We encouraged him to go and have a great day at school. But he wanted us to drop him off at school. As we are in the office and the aide from his room arrives to take him to his room, Joshua spins around and goes after my wife hitting her on the side of the head and putting a huge scratch on her forehead. Then threw himself to the floor. We were ushered out the door and around the other door so my wife could get the scratch looked at since blood was now running down into her eyebrows. This is just the first of many fights since Friday. We had another restraint Saturday and one Sunday as well. Then Monday morning he comes after me giving me the same treatment he gave his mom on Friday. Hit with a scratch on the forehead. Again this morning as we are coming out of the bathroom he comes at me all his force. I was able to contain him without any harm to either of us. He was doing so well. There have been no medication changes that would cause this. I just don't understand. I am sorry I have slowed down on this blog I know many of you try to keep up with how Joshua is doing through the blog or the facebook page. I will try to do better.

9/13/12 Oh What A Night

We had one very sick little man on our hands last night.  About 1 am he started feeling ill.  We were up and down with him for the next three and a half hours.  The good news is he is not constipated any more.  I think it may have been a stomach bug because if it wasn't coming out one end it was out the other.  He seems to be feeling alot better this morning.   I don't know if he is just teasing me or not but he has asked me to take him to school now 3 times.  With him being sick like he was though he can't go to school today.  How he has this much energy now after so little sleep is beyond me.  But some how he does.  I think energy is wasted on the youth.

9/11/12 Status Quo

Well it would appear Joshua is not going to progress or regress.  We are doing different things and getting the same results.  I got a call from the school yesterday when he did not go to school.  One of those calls where they say, "have you tried this?", "do you think this will work?".  We have tried everything to get this boy to school, short of hooking a rope around him and dragging him out of the house in his pj's.  When he goes down to the floor and says "I no like to go to school"  you can bet your last dollar that you will not be able to get him out the door.  Its not like we party all day when he stays home.  He loses all electronics use for the day.  No TV usage, No computer usage.  What is so fun about staying home?  By the end of the day when the family gets home he is telling them how much he don't like me.  But we can't get him out the door to go to school.  This is driving me nuts.

So home bound is a no go,  they offered half days where the bus would still do transportation but a later time and still getting home at 230.  Which would be great but there is no way he will go to school for just me with no one else home to encourage him out the door.  I just know I will be getting a letter about attendance in no time at all.  What can we do?

9/10/12 Failure To Launch

I am seeing a common action between our lives and the lives of other parents in our support group of children with bipolar disorder.  The kids just do not want to go to school.  Now a normal kid you can make them go but a kid who rages,  you could get seriously hurt.  I don't know quite what the link is between bipolar and dread of school.  What makes them willing to fight to avoid it?  How can this child get the socialization skills they need if they are never in that setting.  Just getting Joshua out of the house for any trip is rough.  But getting him to go to school is quickly becoming a battle we lose more often than we win.

He was up quite a bit last night.  I know he has to be a bit tired.  Well I base this on how I feel from getting up with him.  We have asked for home bound, lets see if the district follows through.  Not real healthy for me to be inside this box all day every day but don't really have a choice in that.

9/8/12 Would You Like Some Cheese With That Whine

Today has been one of those days were all he has done is whine.  No matter what we have done he has not let up.  He could be eating one thing and in between bites whining for something else.  Those who know what I look like can now understand why I have no hair.  

We did get some news from BTTC the behavior intervention residential facility.  They will be doing an assessment on him on the 26th and if he meets requirements for placement we could get him into that program by the end of the year maybe.  Crossing our fingers because we have about run out of ideas.

He was up bright and early this morning and has been going all out all day long.  He was one tired little fella tonight.  I sure hope he sleeps all night like he did last night.

9/7/12 I No Like To Go To School

I am already tired of hearing that phrase.  I hear it every morning at least once.  We did manage to get to school every day this week except for Monday, a holiday, and today.  Just now he told me he will have to talk to his people on facebook about it.  The things he says sometimes you just can't be upset with him.

We did have some aggressiveness today already.  He normally sits on the sofa with a chair or ottoman in front for him to put his legs on and it keeps him from just hopping right up.  Well as I was standing there behind the chair but in front of him he got upset because I didn't have something he wanted.  He pulled his legs up placed both feet firmly against that chair and shoved it.  Bending my toes up when the chair hit them.  I know to always have shoes on when I stand there.  After he realized I was hurt he did get down to the floor and lay down immediately.

I don't know what it is with these kiddos and school though.  It is a chance for him to go and be around other people but he wants none of it.  They don't demand a lot from him.  I would love to go chill with my buddies.  I sure wish he did.

Fast Forward

As I sit here this morning,  thoughts of the future race around inside my head.  We have had so many changes in our lives over the past 13 years.  When Paula and I first married I had three children from a previous marriage.  After our first year of marriage we had 4 young children in our house.  Those were some interesting times.

Now here we are 13 years later and the two oldest have flown the coup and the next in line is a senior in high school.  Where has the time gone?

Joshua attached himself to each of his older siblings in order.  First Jessica was his favorite in the whole world.  They were very close and he always wanted to be around her.  She is still sometimes able to get him to do things he don't really want to do.  As time passed she graduated and moved on to bigger and better and Joshua really did not understand where his big sister was and why she was not right there for him to pester.  He had a bit of anger toward her not being in the house.  But he moved on to the next in line and Johnathon became his new favorite.  John was very good with him and very excepting of him and his issues.  John went and worked at the summer camp that Joshua attends. They would go for rides in the car, John could even take him to the mall.   John had a great group of friends who also understood Joshua. This went on for several years until it was John's time to take wings.  John went into the Army and Josh was not able to see him or talk to him as much as he can Jessica.  Well then it was Jordanne's turn to be the favorite.  By this time Joshua was a big boy and Jordanne is just a tiny teenager.  There has always been concern if Joshua turned on her she could get hurt really badly.  For the most part Joshua has not been inclined to go after her.  After this year when Jordanne goes to college Joshua will basically be an only child except for the occasional visits from his favorite people on the planet.

As the family has shrunk dad has had a hard time adjusting to each one leaving home.  But I think Joshua has had a much rougher time adjusting.  His life is here and now.   When Jordanne does move away  I am not real sure how he will handle it.  But I know he will have mom and dad here to help him adjust.

9/5/12 Shocked and Amazed

I fell asleep last night about 1030 and was just getting to the good part of my fishing dreams.  You know right after you set the hook and the fish is just about to break the water for your first glimpse?  Just as I felt the line go tight and the fish is headed to the surface I hear a noise.  What could that be?  Oh snap Joshua is awake and now my fish will never be seen.  It's one in the morning and I hear "wakey wakey" come through the monitor.  I know when he says that he getting ready to wake the house.  Then I hear him fumbling around getting out of bed and heading to the living room.  I caught him half way through the living room, and shuffled him to the sofa.  Now I prepare for what is gonna happen next.  Normally he begins to holler for everyone in the house but not this time.  He sits quietly there for a few minutes then decides to go back to bed.  Yes bullet dodged.  I walk him back to his bed and cover him give him a kiss then hurry back to my bed as his eyes close.  This whole thing took about 20 minutes.  I am feeling mighty proud of myself for getting him back down so fast.  But wait there are always two shoes and only one had dropped.  He mumbled for about 10 more minutes in bed before I hear that sound I love, deep restful breaths.  I settle back in and dose off once again but my fishing trip ended and the boat was no where in sight.  Sleeping pretty good when at 215 I hear rustling in the monitor again.  I get up and go to his bedroom door and he has no covers on,  I go in cover him up and go back to bed.  Just as I lay down he starts to talk.  I lay there for another 15 minutes until his deep restful breaths return.  I return to my slumber yet again.  Shortly after three the words flow through the monitor which causes a few choice words to cross my lips.  I get up and he is coming out of his bedroom wants others up but managed to get him to the sofa.  He sat there and talked and grunted and kicked his feet for a little bit but reserved himself to the fact it was he and I awake.  I sat at the table and he put his head back on the back of the sofa.  I thought a few times about helping him lay down but once he gets approached to do something he don't care to do just yet it can turn into an even longer night.  I decide to sit and watch him.  Once again with his head back he seems to be going to sleep.  After what seemed like forever I am convinced he is out and decide to go back to bed.  About 45 minutes this time.  As I am getting up to go back to bed I look over at him and a big smile comes across his face,  then a giggle.  He does this three times.  So much better than having nightmares.  He is dreaming good dreams.  I head back to bed.  Sleeping once again feels so good.  And my wife rolls over and says "here he comes"  about that time his head pops around the wall that leads into our bedroom.  Mom and I talk him down.  Josh go set of the sofa and we will be in we just have to have a little more sleep, just a few more minutes and we will be up.  Close to time for the alarms to go off anyhow.  Trying to squeeze just a little more sleep in we dose until the alarm goes off and my wife hits the floor running.   Me I just need a few more minutes.  Twenty minutes later I am up getting his pills while he is eating breakfast with mom.  Now pill time is not till six so there are a few minutes between when they are done with breakfast and pill time.  In those few minutes he drops off the sofa to the floor and starts getting defiant.  Not wanting to take his pills.  Mom has gone on to start getting dressed and I told him we should be sneaky and take the pills without mom knowing.  It worked he took them quickly.  When mom returned to the room she talked him into brushing his teeth although he had already told us he was not going to school.  Then out of nowhere he wants to go to school if we drive him.  He gets dressed and we are out the door by 645.  Get him to school and he goes right in and takes to his day like a duck to water.  Who would have thought with a night like we had last night that he would be in school today.  This boy always seems to amaze me with his thought process.



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9/4/12 Call With School

Well the call with the school went about as I expected.  She was just gathering information so she could push up the request for home bound education services.  I can tell we are in for some long days ahead.  She explained to me that her concerns were that if we did start home bound the tendency Josh would have not to return to school.  I told her if we can't get him in school we should bring school to him.  I am not all that excited about him being home around the clock myself.  But we have to add the school structure to his schedule one way or another.  I understand we would only be looking at 4-6 hours of service a week with more of his educational requirements falling under my responsibility.  We are also looking at him being in residential treatment for about three months this fall.  But we have to get something started or we are going to be in worse shape than we were at the end of the year last year.  It is two steps forward and three steps back with this kiddo right now.

9/4/12 Great Night Defiant Morning

Josh slept great last night.  He did not wake up once all night long.  This is the first night in a long time that this has been the case.  This morning he got out of bed easily was awake and alert.  Had breakfast and was in a playful mood.

All this changed rather quickly when he realized it was a school day.  When he came to that realization he laid down on the floor and began saying "I no like to go to school".  We did everything short of picking him up and dragging him out the door.  I have written about his size and abilities when it comes to a fight.  We choose our battles, the ones where there is no chance anyone will end up in the hospital.  This is not a battle we could win without 911 having to be called.  I told him there would be no tv or electronics until he went to school.  No playtime. No treats.  None of this had any effect on his stance.  So there he is still on the floor.  Here I am at home.  I think for me, being stuck at home and at my wits end as to what to do for this boy is what triggers my depression.  After 5 days of not being outside or running into other humans all day I am a basket case.  When I start feeling that way I have to remember I can take a break when mom gets around,  he does not have that ability to take a break from his thoughts, he has to live in his head.

With this pattern already developing I have notified the school we will need to look into home bound education and they would need to call an ARD to get the ball rolling on that.  Lets see how long this takes.

9/3/12 Sleep Patterns And Hollering.

Well it is 3am and Joshua has been awake for a little over an hour. He is loud and cranky and the noise he is making is just a blood curdling holler. There is no reason for him to be making these noises that we can see. I wish I could share this sound with you. But my mind is so rattled I don't even know how I could do that. I am sure other parents of bipolar children know the holler. I kind of keep expecting for police to knock on our door any minute he is so loud. There is just no rhyme or reason to his actions. If we interact with him he gets worse if we ignore him he gets worse. No matter what we do it continues. As a parent it breaks your heart to know there is nothing you can do to make your child feel better. A parent of a normal child would consider this to be bratty behavior and if their child acted like this they would give them a time out or a spanking. Neither of those work with a child like Joshua. His actions are completely out of his control. With his limited mental capacity there will always be so much we don't understand about what he goes through. We just have to continue to work on behavior modification and pray it rolls over to all areas of his life. We are now pushing the 2 hour mark of him being awake. He has started to calm. We hope it is quick from calming to sleeping.

9/2/12 Rough Night Last Night

I figured with the little fella hitting the pool yesterday that he would sleep like a baby.  Boy was I wrong.  I dosed off around 10pm.  Wife and I were woke up by 1045 with yelling coming through the monitor.  He was not a happy camper.  We all got up ended up falling asleep on the floor in the living room with him on the sofa around 1am.  He was very needy everyone in the house had to be in the room with him hollering.  He had already had his max dose for all medications so we had no go to rescue.  Wife went to bed sometime and left me on the floor.  My back being what it is you can imagine when I dosed I did not rest.  Around 5 am I got off the floor with most of my appendages asleep, and went and crawled into the bed to try to get some restful sleep.  Just as I was drifting off good at 545 little fella's built in alarm clock went off and again he was bouncing off the walls with his booming voice.  You can imagine we are all cranky at this point.  Sure hope he gets easier to get along with as the day progresses.  I love a full moon don't yall.

9/1/12 Pool Time

I went to my mom's house to work on her generator today and spent a good deal of time away from the house.  I was so proud of being able to pull the fuel intake off of the engine and put it back together and it actually work.  Anyone who knows me and my past will tell you this is not the normal way things work for me.  This is the first time I have worked on a motor where I was able to get it all back together and it actually work in my life and I am in my 40s.  I am just not wired mechanically inclined.


 Joshua seemed to be very tired all day.  Paula and Jordanne did talk him for pool time for a while.  Which kept him awake.  They had a wonderful 30 minutes at the pool.  Of course I had not been able to talk him into going to the pool the week Paula went back to work before the kids resumed school.  He has not spent near as much time in the pool this summer as he did last summer.