I Am Blessed

As of today you all have visited and read of my daily struggles 3400 times.  It sure makes you feel like you are not alone in a struggle when folks come and read about your daily life, and share words of encouragement.  Thank you to all the friends and family who come sometimes several times a day to keep up  on whats going on with my special little fella.

When I started writing this blog I was hopeful that I could share some insight that may help other parents who are going through some of the same things.  My ability to research has been limited and I thank you for hanging in there with me until we can get to that point.

8/31/12 School Day 5 No Go

After a very rough night up at 1am awake till 230am he locked down got on the floor when we were trying to get him to the bus.  Now if he was smaller this would not be an issue we could force him off the floor and to the bus.  As I have gotten older I realize I can't do that with a 190 lb 13 year old boy who hits as hard as a grown man and scratches like a rabid racoon.  So what do you do,  the only thing you can do you tell him if he does not go there are no activities which he enjoys for the day.  No TV, WII, or treats.  Still this does not persuade him because in his mind he is not going to school regardless of the circumstances.  It took all year last year to get to this point and here we are at that point on the 5th day of school.  So we are back to a life of not doing anything while he is at school because he is not at school.  Today we make some calls to see where we are in the line for the residential behavior treatment.  This life is not an easy one and the rewarding part is few and far between.  It has an effect on relationships both far and near.  It is not a life for a weak person,  as they would not survive it.  Even us strong ones have our moments when we just throw our hands up.  Now as long as I can make it through today without having any attacks because of our rules from the morning of no entertainment if you don't go to school.

8/30/12 TROUBLE

We had a pretty good morning even though it was an early start.  Little man did real well with his morning rituals eating breakfast, brushing teeth, washing face, getting dressed and waiting for the bus.  When did the trouble start you ask.  As soon as the bus opened the doors and he started to step on.  He locked down with his hands on the rails and pushed back.  Like trying to push a mule.  He did not want to get on the bus and got very upset.  Now normally when he does this someone gets clocked pretty good.  We continued to urge him to get on the bus for a few minutes before he complied and went up the steps.  I could tell for what ever reason he did not want to go.  I sure hope he is able to pull it together and have a good day.  I have this sinking feeling that he will not be having a wonderful day.  So hard to remain positive.

8/29/12 Third Day Of School

Well the third day of school was full of sleep time for the little fella.  He slept hard all night for the first time in a while.  Even slept in his bed for the first time since his last hospitalization.  He still managed to have several marks off on his point sheet at school.  3 days into the school year and his arms and legs are already showing the signs of a rough year.  He was very hard to keep awake when he got home from school.  I figure it will take some time to get his sleep patterns to school mode.

Tonight he slept in his bed until 330 that is when he woke up.  Gonna be a long day for him and us.  At this point he is wired for surround sound.  I don't see him going back to sleep anytime soon.

8/28/12 Rough Day At School

Joshua had a very rough day at school with 5 write ups.  4 of those 5 were advisement of restraints.  He was generally disagreeable all day according to what the write ups indicated.  Not wanting to do any work and being aggressive.  With school restraints come bruises.  There are several bruises on his arms and legs.  He has a tendency to swing wildly and throw himself to the floor kicking anything and everything in sight.  Not only did we get the 5 write ups with the details of everything that transpired but I also got a call before he left school from the new assistant director of the program.

Once he got home he was fine.  Really tired but spot on with his actions.  So dad got the better part of his day.

Cheers

8/28/12 First Day Of School

Well yesterday was the first day back to school for little fella.  He did not sleep well the night before, as in he woke up at 220 and was up from then on.  It was a long day for everyone.  When it came time to get ready he was eager to go to school,  not like toward the end of last year.  He got dressed and ready in record time.  On the bus with no problem and away he went.  The letter from the teacher was nothing but praise.  He did everything that was ask of him.  Last year was nothing like this.  We are hoping that this continues.  When he got home his eyes were so heavy.  We sat and snacked and watched his favorite show for a while then he was off to play on the computer for a bit.  That did not last but about 10 minutes.  When he came back in he looked like he was ready to nod off but managed to stay awake.  I gave him his pills at 5 and he wanted to watch just one more episode of COPS so we did about 10 minutes into the show he fell asleep even with me talking with him.  I continued to try to wake him until mom got home from work.  He slept hard.  He did managed to wake up for a while with mom and sister home but that was not long lived.   We were all in bed by 8pm.  Good thing too because at 1am he woke up and was up until about 230.  His broken sleep patterns is gonna make us all old.  This morning he did say "I no like to go to school" but he still hopped right up on the bus and went.  I hope this is not the starting of what we saw at the end of last school year where every day was a fight and many of those fights we lost.

8/27/12 The Night Before School

Well he did make it past the 1am mark in a way.   Paula ended up on the other sofa rather early but with just soft whispers ever so often he would drift back off to sleep.  220 am he demanded to see dad then wanted to get aggressive with me which was short lived.  He wants everyone in the house up again but we are trying to make sure she gets the most sleep she can.  She starts her Senior year tomorrow,  we would love to see her finish up with a class rank as close to where she is or higher.  He sits there not even able to hold his head up.  Fighting to stay awake and doing everything he can to wake up everyone in the house.  I know he will be tired tomorrow night, if they can keep him awake at school.   We just have to make it through tonight.

8/26/13 Cranky Awakening

Yet again it is 2am and I am sitting at the table with a loud cranky bipolar child.  For over an hour we have had screaming and ranting and raving.  It is the kinds of sounds that will make you question your own sanity. I shudder at the thought of what it would be like if he did not take any medication.  I also shudder at the thought that he is trapped in himself and can not escape the demons in his mind.

As a result pretty much everyone in the house is cranky.  The relationships are strained.  It is very difficult to maintain any normalcy in a house that is controlled by these consistent midnight, 1 am nightmares.  He can not tell us what is going on in his head because he is so busy working on getting the next scream out.

He did so well today with his haircut and bath.  We had absolutely no problems getting him to sit still for the haircut.  As soon as the cut was done he went straight to the bath.  It is just nuts how he can go from that sweet child to this middle of the night creature you would expect to hear on scifi channel in the middle of ghost hunters week.

9/23/12 Sneaky Pete

I think my little Sneaky Pete pulled a quick one on me with his sleep pattern from the last post.  Tonight he woke up at 10pm and shows no sign of being tired.  He was impossible to keep awake today.  All we could do was interrupt his naps every 10-15 minutes.  Tonight may be another one of those long nights.  I may wish that I would have slept today when he did before the nights over.  At least he is not yelling for momma every 2 seconds like he was doing.  If I can keep him focused on something other than the fact she is in the bedroom and has to work in the morning all should be OK.

8/23/12 Sleep At Last

I was able to catch up on alot of sleep thanks to my wonderful wife last night.  I had laid down at 3 when Joshua went for a nap and had set an alarm for 1 hour.  She got home before my alarm went off so she took the afternoon shift to let me catch up just in case it was another late night.  I woke up about 945 and the whole house was asleep.  I encouraged my wife to go to the bed and not spend another minute on the sofa.  She did and I prepared for the midnight awakening.  He spoke out several times in his sleep but never did fully wake up until 700 am.  I had broken sleep between midnight and 7 as everytime he would say anything we would think he was waking up.  I would go in check on him cover him back up and he would snuggle down and start snoring again.

Today it has been very hard to keep him awake.  I am thinking that the two tenex at night might be half a pill too much.  I will speak of this to the doctor on Monday when we go back.  With that bit of sleep I had I am good for at least another 4 days.

8/22/12 The Road We Travel

It is now 2 am and I am doing the same thing I have done for the last several nights.  Sitting at the table with a little man wide awake in the living room.  There is nothing that I can do that will make him happy.  He does not want me but those who have to be asleep because of their schedules.  Just knowing that there is nothing I can do to make him happy makes me sad.  Knowing that as the night progresses it will get worse makes me even more sad.  I think of the "normal" all around us and ask myself why daily.  Why were we chosen for this particular road to travel.  People just on the other side of the street have no clue what we go through daily, yet people on the other side of the ocean who are reading this do know what we go through.  Only another parent who has child with special needs can appreciate the words written here.  At the end of the day I can only hope we were chosen to travel this road because we were the best choice for the child.  But tonight I can tell you I am not in the best shape for this child.  I did not rest yesterday when he did and I am paying for that tonight.

We have a call in to the doctor earlier today to see about changing the meds back to where they were prior to our last visit.  Before this up all night theme came to play.  This just can not continue.  There has to be an end to the every night wake up screams.  I did manage to sleep from 1030 till 1 am.  Joshua did not fall asleep until almost 10 tonight so I thought there was a good chance he would have stayed asleep.  Wishful thinking on my part.

8/21/12 End of Rope

This makes the third night I have been up all night with a screaming child.  I am at the end of my rope as to what to do for him.  Everyone in the house is miserable.  What can we do.  I am so tired of being yelled at.  He calls for mom in his rantings but when she came out at 445 he tried to hit her.  I just don't know anymore what we can do.

8/20/12 WTH I Want SLEEP

Here it is 2:52 in the frigging morning.  After spending all night last night sitting here at the table with a child wide awake and him being awake all day, here I am again.  He slept from about 830 to 130 and now he is wide awake again, and cranky.  Ok maybe I am the one who is cranky.  No he is cranky too.  I just don't understand how he can possibly be awake.  It has me questioning my own sanity at this point.  Trapped in a really bad dream and unable to wake up from it.  I guess its like a wide awake nightmare.  I managed to get 3.5-4 hours of sleep yesterday morning after Paula got up and so far tonight about another 3.5 hours.  If this continues at this rate I will be a zombie in no time.  On the bright side I am not wasting my time with such things as sleep.

8/19/12 Early Startings

Captains Log 1254am

The native is restless.  It looks as though the sleep pattern is being established as one that is going to be all screwed up.  He starts off with a low rumbling calling the names of all inhabitants of his residence and continues in rapid succession until everyone in his house is awake.  I had taped a football game to watch tonight and avoided all media outlet information which may give away the score of said game.  I fell asleep trying to watch it.  Only to be awaken to this rumble that grew, and continues to grow even as I write this.  I have tried to console him but he will not be hampered with the kinds of facts I am offering him.  Like it is still the middle of the night.  His brother went out to see some friends tonight and it is like the little fella knew.  I headed off said brother at the pass but it appears the little wrangler knows he is back.  I have a feeling this new information could go either way.  I am afraid it is going to turn into a bitter battle.  I pray not but I am prepared now.  I say I am prepared but you can never truly be prepared for a full rage from your child.  It is like someone reaches into your chest pulls your heart out and crushes it in their hands as it still beats.  Many years ago before I knew about bipolar disorder and how widespread it really is I would see kids in stores go into rages like what my child goes through.  My thoughts were always about what a lack of control the parents had of their kids.  Now I am not saying every child who acts out has bipolar disorder.  What I am saying is you just never know what those parents go though if in fact their child is in this category.  It is heart breaking to see your child struggle so hard to maintain control and then fail to be able to maintain without external assistance.  To have to wrap your child in a blanket to keep their hands under control so they can not hit or scratch you is something no parent should have to endure.  To sit awake and listen to your child in a night terror and be completely unable to do anything for them.  I try to only keep him safe when he is in his far away place and in full rage as nothing I do or say will calm him.  He will either calm down or escalate with no help from me. Sometimes if I try to calm him it just pushes him further into a rage.  I just have to be there should he not be able to remain safe.  It is like watching a train wreck.  You don't want to watch it or be in it,  but you just can not step away.  In one of my earlier ramblings I speak of not getting lost in this life dealing with this disorder.  It is so hard not to be completely consumed by this mental illness that we deal with on a daily basis.  But I just remember he deals with his thoughts 24/7 he can not turn it off.

Bragging

On the facebook page http://www.facebook.com/pages/Shut-Up-About-Your-Perfect-Kid they sometimes ask for the followers to brag about something special about their imperfect kids.  With my little guy I can say that one thing that is perfect about him is the amount of love he has for his siblings.  I think it can be best displayed in the video below where his older brother had been stationed in Korea and was home for a long visit.  It was a complete surprise to Joshua.  Warning if you watch it make sure your volume is not at 100%.

Follow Life and Bipolar Times on Facebook

8/17/12 Great Day

Well today was the day that Joshua's brother arrived from Ft Bragg for a long weekend visit.  It was a wonderful surprise for Joshua.  There was so much love for his brother and it rubbed off on the rest of the family as well.  By late afternoon we had our children worn out and sleeping all over the living room.  Those photos can be seen of facebook at the following link.
http://www.facebook.com/LifeAndBipolarTimes

That's pure love right there

8/16/12 Less Than 12 Hours Away

Well we are less than 12 hours from Joshua's brother being home for the weekend.  I can not wait to see the look on his face when his brother comes through the door.

On another note it was 1120 tonight when he woke up.  Almost on que with the previous two nights.  So we continue to see this pattern with him waking up near the same time but tonight there has been no fight yet.  We did have an appointment today and there were slight dosage adjustments but he is pretty much right where he was when we went into the appointment.  The daily intake of Geodon is the same but the dosage for the three times a day he takes it was evened out.  I am taking the time when he is awake but not aggressive, to do a little reading on the rages.  I will be posting about this coming up real soon.

Wish us luck with this weekends activities.

8/15/12 11PM

Don't know what it is about 11pm but for the last two nights Joshua has awaken in a violent rage.  Tonight he got up very quietly and went to the TV,  and began pounding the screen.  Which got both of us out of bed rather quickly.  He hits the 60 inch big screen with such force that it lifts the front off the floor.  We have already replaced the front outside screen with a heavy duty plexi glass since he busted it when he was younger.  I just don't understand how he can even manage to fight us with the medications he is on.  Right now as I write this he is sitting on the sofa half asleep.  Still he will not go lay down and get comfortable and go to sleep.  Thank goodness we have a 1230 appointment with the PDOC tomorrow.

8/14/12 Soap Box

Very few things about folks gets my blood boiling.  One thing has really gotten me this morning.  It was a post of facebook.  It was not so much the post itself that bothered me but the comments from the peanut gallery.

The post
How do you feel about children as young as 3 taking psychiatric medications? There are currently FDA approved psychiatric meds for children ages 3 and up, the most common is Adderall for ADHD. According to clinical psychologist, Dr. Jeff Daly, "really young children can have psychological issues and treating them can be challenging, although we don't reach for medication unless we have tried everything, and there are many successful non-medication treatments for young children." Post your questions here and watch "Ask Dr. Daly" this Wednesday at 7:20am for the answers.




I was going to protect the identities but hell they posted it on facebook so no need to hide anything.

• 

  Breanna Ramey Daughtridge America The Drugged! :p No way in hell would I medicate a toddler, with that stuff they cause more problems then they solve.

  33 minutes ago ·  · 1
• 

  Jr Delarosa dont like it

  33 minutes ago · 
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  Vance Kincaid ‎99.9% of the time it's wrong

  31 minutes ago · 
• 

  Stephanie Christine Martin I did a scholarly article last semester about this very issue. From a behaviorist perspective, I think it is foolish to prescribe children drugs to subdue their natural energy and reactions. It is unnatural, addicting, and unhealthy. The problem is that adults are not patient enough with children to teach them behaviors that are socially acceptable, rather than passively stuff their faces with drugs.

  30 minutes ago ·  · 2
• 

  Yitzi Vargas 

  As a mother to a ADHD child with Tourette syndrome. I don't agree that a child of the age of three should be taking psychotic drugs. I didn't decide to medicate my son till he was 8 years of age. I try alternative treatments before hand. He...See More

  26 minutes ago · 
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  Yitzi Vargas My question to the doctor would be after long use off any type off psychological medications could children develop more psychological problems?

  24 minutes ago ·  · 1
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  Lili Gonzalez Palacios ‎...or the Pediatrician tries to make you feel stupid or "missinformed" and asks to see your degree when you refuse to give them things such as Respiridone. Happens ALL the time. "I'm the doctor, I know what's best, you NEED to trust me".

  24 minutes ago · 
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  Antonella Castaldo BIG BU$INESS.

  24 minutes ago · 
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  Cherrie Lou Ilog Echon For me they are not really thinking about the welfare of the child. They are actually doing this for their convenience! They are embarrassed when in public places, when in fact they should be ashamed of themselves. Toddlers can be controlled with proper discipline. Consulting a behavior therapist would be more productive.

  20 minutes ago · 
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  Amy Marie Price well in my case it would be nice I wish this was allowed when my lil girl was that age they wouldnt do any thing tell she was five and went off the deep end. its not for every kid ad if they do it they need to run a grip of test befor saying a 3 year old needs it.

  20 minutes ago · 
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  Bryan Mickle I wonder how many commenting here have children who have issues such as sever bipolar or have even been in a setting where these children exist.

  16 minutes ago ·  · 1
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  Amy Marie Price ‎@bryan thats what I was thinking to put them selfs in our shoes for a few hours and they wouldnt last they would be asking for the meds fast.Its bs how every one looks at it as just medicat ing a child well there are a lot of kids who need it

  12 minutes ago ·  · 1
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  Norma Jean Kiernan Bryan, I do and it is a tough question. We did not medicate my child until she was about 13, but it did not solve the problem and even now, it's hit and miss. Another of my children was given adderall for ADHD. but it increased his heart rate so much that we had to remove it. All drugs have risks. But I think toddlers should not be experimented with.

  12 minutes ago ·  · 1
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  Bryan Mickle I invite anyone of them to come visit for a month and I will let them see what a bipolar child can do to their thoughts on the medications.

  11 minutes ago · 
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  Katie Simpson My son who's now 5 buy was 4 at the time suffers from really awful night terrors. Our family Dr. Wanted to send him
  To A psychiatrist to be evaluated for medication. I got a second opinion through a Dr. At primary children's. After showing ...See More

  8 minutes ago · 
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  Melissa Kay Fisher A child that young has no business being on medications like that...makes me sick.

  7 minutes ago · 
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  Amy Marie Price yes yes I give em a few hours with my lil girl they would be running for the hills. mind u all she is super smart funny and what not but boy o boy with her adhd and bipolar u wouldnt no what hit u . @ norma yes with meds its always a hit n miss

I would be more than happy to open my home for someone with an open mind to come get their arses handed to them by a child who is mutli diagnosis such as my little man.  People who do not live it will never understand.  I am guilty of not understanding it myself until little fella came into our lives.B

8/12/2012 Catching Up

It has been a few days since I have posted anything.  Not been feeling to hot myself just feeling really tired and ache all over.  Paula has some of the same aches so not sure what is causing it.

Anyhow back to the subject at hand.  Little man has been so tired he is sleeping all night and most of the day too.  The all night sleeping is great since for several nights he was getting up in the middle of the night and staying up for a couple hours.  But I am worried about him sleeping all the time.  Well sometimes he will stay up for a couple hours but he is sleeping way more than he is awake.  With him doing this he is losing a great deal of muscle tone,  Which is making it harder for him to get around.  We have a follow up Dr appointment on the 16th.  I am hopeful the doctor will reduce the Geodon by a little bit as I think this may be the culprit.
The only good thing about him being so sleepy is he does not have the energy to attack.  But that is just no way for him to live.  It isn't living it is just existing.  There has to be a happy medium where he can get out and do things he likes to do like swimming.  As sleepy as he is I would be afraid to take him swimming.  You know its not good for the rest of the family to be inside all the time either.

We did get some news from the treatment facility but it was just a request for more information.  The wheels are starting to squeak.

8/8/2012 Normal Sleep?

My wife can hear little man roll over in his sleep when she is dead asleep herself.  Last night there was no mistake in how restless he was.  He first went to sleep around 8pm which is the norm for him.  He was awake alot yesterday so we thought he would sleep like a log last night.  By 11pm he was awake and had enough energy to want to go the the sofa and watch tv.  We have learned if he has that much energy it is best for us to go ahead and get up to avoid any possible melt down because we are not in there with him.  There is nothing like going from dead sleep to full MMA match in a matter of seconds.  He was up on and off between 11 and 3.  This is enough to make you fall asleep in your coffee in the morning.  So today it is my sole purpose in life that every time he tries to dose off I will make as much noise to keep him from falling asleep.  I figure if he can do that to us all night I should do it all day for him.  Cause I am more apt to be able to handle a full blown MMA match in the day than at 2 in the morning.

I read a post about parents of bipolar being walking wounded.  I can also say we could be considered the walking dead this morning.  I think his body is getting use to the dosage of Geodon.

My wife told me last evening that I should go fishing this morning.  I attribute his restless night to the thought of me going fishing.  How can you fish when you can barely hold your eyes open?

8/7/12 What A Night

As you all know we thought meds were a little too much due to the amount of sleep he was getting.  Seems like he could only stay up a very short time before he would crash again.  Well meds were not the cause of all of this.  Today we are seeing a much more active kiddo.

Little fella has had a heck of a week with his system.  He was bound up like crazy despite all the apples and apple juice and stool softeners.  Well all that broke free and now we are seeing a different guy.  It was not a fun thing for anyone in the house.  But its what he needed.  After multiple trips to the bathroom and a shower or two he finally has gotten some relief.  Now if we can just keep him regulated with apples and an occasional chocolate square.  I will not go into the nasty details, we will just say we cleaned alot of our house again.

While all this was going on the AC went out.  So had to call out the AC man at 1030 pm to get some work done.  He had it up and going in no time at all.  Which is a good thing cause Josh still loves to have the blankets piled all around and on him.

Josh did not sleep real good last night.  I guess those tummy cramps continued well into the night keeping him awake.  We are all a little tired this morning.