8/19/12 Early Startings

Captains Log 1254am

The native is restless.  It looks as though the sleep pattern is being established as one that is going to be all screwed up.  He starts off with a low rumbling calling the names of all inhabitants of his residence and continues in rapid succession until everyone in his house is awake.  I had taped a football game to watch tonight and avoided all media outlet information which may give away the score of said game.  I fell asleep trying to watch it.  Only to be awaken to this rumble that grew, and continues to grow even as I write this.  I have tried to console him but he will not be hampered with the kinds of facts I am offering him.  Like it is still the middle of the night.  His brother went out to see some friends tonight and it is like the little fella knew.  I headed off said brother at the pass but it appears the little wrangler knows he is back.  I have a feeling this new information could go either way.  I am afraid it is going to turn into a bitter battle.  I pray not but I am prepared now.  I say I am prepared but you can never truly be prepared for a full rage from your child.  It is like someone reaches into your chest pulls your heart out and crushes it in their hands as it still beats.  Many years ago before I knew about bipolar disorder and how widespread it really is I would see kids in stores go into rages like what my child goes through.  My thoughts were always about what a lack of control the parents had of their kids.  Now I am not saying every child who acts out has bipolar disorder.  What I am saying is you just never know what those parents go though if in fact their child is in this category.  It is heart breaking to see your child struggle so hard to maintain control and then fail to be able to maintain without external assistance.  To have to wrap your child in a blanket to keep their hands under control so they can not hit or scratch you is something no parent should have to endure.  To sit awake and listen to your child in a night terror and be completely unable to do anything for them.  I try to only keep him safe when he is in his far away place and in full rage as nothing I do or say will calm him.  He will either calm down or escalate with no help from me. Sometimes if I try to calm him it just pushes him further into a rage.  I just have to be there should he not be able to remain safe.  It is like watching a train wreck.  You don't want to watch it or be in it,  but you just can not step away.  In one of my earlier ramblings I speak of not getting lost in this life dealing with this disorder.  It is so hard not to be completely consumed by this mental illness that we deal with on a daily basis.  But I just remember he deals with his thoughts 24/7 he can not turn it off.