10/23/12 Hard Day

Today is going to be a difficult day in our house.  Though Joshua has spent two visits in hospitals for two weeks each over the summer this will be a bit different.  This is going to be a three month stay.  I have been sick to my stomach for the last two days.  He wants to go but I am not sure he understands he will not be coming home with us.  It is just heart breaking to see him go through this but we know we can not go on like we have in the past.  Wish us luck.

10/17/12 Wow

Today started filled with a very anxious boy yelling from about 630 - 730 and having two restraints so far well it is just 730.  He seems to have started calming down after the last restraint.  Wants to hide under his blankets.  As long as he stops yelling I will be ok.  I can handle getting him something new every 5 seconds but the yelling is enough to put me over the edge.  I can see how some parents just can't handle this.  Especially if they have some of the same symptoms as the child has.  My hat is certainly off to any parent who adopts a child with bipolar disorder.  This is so hard on a parent to see your child go through and not be able to do anything about it.  We are going to have an interesting day.  All of this began over mom having to go to work.  I can only imagine what the day will hold.  We do have a schedule we do this every day.  Nothing is out of the ordinary for mom to go to work.  For some reason this morning it just go to him.

10/11/12 Crazy Night

I know my wife is going to be tired all day.  Son did not sleep well last night at all.  Its enough to make the whole house cranky when he does this up and down.  Since he did not nap yesterday I am wondering where he had the energy to be awake at all last night.

Most all of the required documents have been delivered to the residential treatment facility.  I sure hope this is what will help him get better control over his actions.  I hope they can teach us the techniques to help him.  I am not sure if he will understand everything that is going on.  It is going to be very rough on the family not having him home for so long.  He is a part of us and it is going to be hard with him being so far away.  I am very frustrated with the fact that nothing has helped for very long over the years of dealing with this disorder. Three stays in short term hospitalization.  Each being less successful it seems.  But I guess with less restraints that is positive.  Just wish the outburst he had were not as aggressive as they are.

This is just a rambling day it appears so I will stop here.  Hope you all have a wonderful day.  Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

10/10/12 Rough End Of Day

I think I may have put a jinx on the day yesterday.  He did great right up until about the time his mom gets home from work.  About 530-545 he lost his mind and went very violent.  I ended up with scratches a few hits, kicks and bites.  He ended up getting bruised in a fight that lasted about 30 minutes.  I sure miss having help when he goes off like that.  He is less likely to get hurt when there is more than one person helping control his swings.  It took all I could do to contain his violence.
Today is another day and we are going to do our best to have a great day.  I have a blanket at the ready should it not go well.  At least I can wrap him up and control his arms then all I have to worry about is headbutts.

10/9/12 Going For 4 In A Row

We have had three pretty good days looking to make it 4 today.  It has been so long since I have had a great day just Joshua and I that yesterday was a great treat for me.  He did pretty much everything I asked of him without much fuss.  It was nice to be able to enjoy being around him.   I am just hope we have more days like yesterday between now and the 23rd when he goes in for residential treatment.  I think they have a good base to work with with him and us.  Our desire is for him to live a happy life.  I know with bipolar disorder he is going to have bad days but I sure hope his good days outweigh the bad ones.

Today I have to call send some papers into the doctors office to get a few documentation wrinkles ironed out then we will be all set to go.  Then it will just be a wait till the 23rd.   I am going to miss him being home but if we can get him the help he needs and the help we need it will all be worth it.  Wish us luck, and keep us in your prayers.

Great Weekend!!

We've had a surprisingly wonderful weekend!  We took Joshua on Saturday morning to get his TB test (a requirement for his residential treatment).  He seemed a little confused about where he was going, but he was so good!   Then we went to Grandma and Grandpa's house (my parents), for the first time in months, and spent the whole day!  Bryan was helping Grandpa with some insulation in the house and it turned into quite a project.  Joshua napped for a bit in the morning, but played in the afternoon.  I know Grandma really enjoyed the day.  It was a little nerve wracking for me with their HD flat screen tv in the living room and all of their other breakables out in the open (I was exhausted when I got home).  But it went by without incident and when Josh was ready to go home, Bryan was almost done helping Grandpa.  And, despite his morning nap, he went to sleep at a good time and slept all night!  What a blessed day!

Today, Bryan needed to go help Nana (Bryan's mom) with some chores around her house.  Josh again took a short nap this morning so his sister and I got to watch a little tv.  He's generally playful and happy.  He keeps obsessing over certain things like "I want ice cream" and "Daddy home?", but he seems to stay content.  Let's hope it stays this way!  I know Daddy is getting a much needed, and well earned, break from the house today.  I'm even doing the cooking!  I hope this pleasant weekend carries over through the week.  We go back to the clinic to get Josh's TB test read tomorrow evening when I get home from work.

I'm so glad I get to have such good moments with Joshua right now!

10/4/12 How In The World

I know this blog is suppose to be more about my son and dealing with his bipolar disorder.  I know he is stuck with all this in his head and can not get away from it.  I know he has a really rough time with it and it is very hard on him.  Right now he is going through some serious issues with mom not being home and lays on the floor and hollers for her not to leave and to come home.  I know to him this is very serious.  He knows she leaves for work and comes home about the same time every day.  Its not like she does not come straight home after work.  But oh my God I can not handle this obsessing over her arrival starting at 7 am and his defiance over taking medications, or going to the bathroom.

Everyday dealing with this yelling and stuff is just draining me.  In 19 days he goes into residential treatment, though it will be hard not having him home I am actually looking forward to a break.  I am feeling guilty for feeling this way.  He does not get a break from whats going on in his head.  It is amazing how I can put my headphones on and still hear him yelling over the music.  It just adds to the headache so I avoid the music and just put up with the yelling.  I don't want to miss something he needs by having the music up so loud that I can't hear him.  And the loud music does the same as the yelling adds to my headache and my own anxious tendencies.  I feel so bad there is nothing that will console him, when he is obsessing like he does all day long.  We are into this day 3 hours and it has been non stop since he woke up at 7am.  I just don't know what to do for him any more.  He will not accept any direction.  He will not get up to eat take pills or go to the bathroom and I refuse to fight him anymore.  It is not good that all he wants to do is fight about little things.  Not sure how much more either of us can take without a mental snap.

10/3/12 Deep Hole

Someone recently said that having a child with bipolar disorder created a strong feeling in them. One of being totally lonely. We have a very strong family support group but I can see how even with a strong support group you could easily feel completely alone. Joshua has a tendency to isolate himself which in turn isolates his caregiver. He did manage to get to school on Monday but came home scratched and bruised from his struggles with the staff. In that day that he was not home I found myself doing the same thing Joshua does, isolating myself. Since we have had such a long stretch of not so good days I find myself in the bottom of a deep hole of depression. Wanting the best for my little man but not even sure what that is anymore. I know I want him to live the best life he can but not sure what that life is going to be like for him, or us. When everyday is a struggle for him just to keep his emotions and rage in check. Over the past few weeks we have had days where for hours he would obsess on his mom not being home. He would lay on the floor and yell constantly for hours one word, "Momma,Momma,Momma". He would do this over and over just taking enough time in between to take a breath. No matter what I said or did he was not able to get a grip on his obsessing. By the end of the day we are both worn out. Him from his obsessiveness and me just emotionally drained.  So wish there was some way this cup had passed from us.

9/26/12 BTTC Evaluation Visit

Today was our day to visit BTTC a local facility that uses ABA trained staff to modify behavior. Josh would not let go of my hand or mom's had the entire time we were there. It was a good meeting and I do believe it would be a good program for him. The facility was clean and staff was very nice. We toured the facility and I was quite impressed with some of the offerings. They have school classes on grounds that is staffed with educators from the local school district. The residence halls were not massive like the ones at HCPC or Kingwood Pines. It was a quaint little house almost but did have everything the kids need to succeed. When we were touring the residence, the kids and staff were having lunch. Everyone sitting at the table with staff mixed in with the kids. It was almost like a family dinning table. The meals are prepared on site by the staff and the kids help with taking care of cleaning up after the meal. Like most families should. We will more than likely hear by weeks end if Joshua was accepted into the program and he could be on site in as soon as three weeks. The only drawback to the facility is the distance from home and the fact that our income has already gone down just due to health insurance cost. It is going to be interesting to go back and forth so much as they have activities we have to participate in with Joshua. So trim here scrimp there to make sure we have gas in the car to make the trips. Wish us luck.

So frustrating

We're trying to take things one day at a time, but it's getting so frustrating.  As soon as Joshua takes one step forward, it seems like he takes two steps back.  Bryan described Joshua's start to school and his steady decline back into aggressive behavior.  It's so hard for me to be at work all day and I can't do anything to help either of them.  We decided to let Joshua go on Homebound for school, but they've rejected it.  Now they want another ARD meeting...for what?  They don't understand and I've given up hope that they will.  We're trying to ride it out until the assessment meeting at the residential treatment center.  Maybe they can give us a timeline for when we can get him into treatment.  After I heard from Bryan that Josh was aggressive with him again today, I stopped to take a break and look at my devotional from this morning (didn't get to it until now :( ). 

It's titled "From Tears to Triumph" by Mary Southerland:  Toward the end of the devotional she states, "You see, it is easy to have faith and to trust God when the wind is still, the waters are calm and the nets are full of fish, but the true measure of our faith is in the midst of the howling storm. His comfort is best realized when our pain is strongest. The darker it gets, the brighter His light shines. We may be down, girlfriend, but we are never out because God is the Shepherd of every valley, Lord of every storm and Friend of the wounded heart."

Give me strength, dear Lord, through this storm!

God Bless!

9/18/12 Missing in Action

I have not updated the blog much recently. Joshua had been doing better with no aggression to speak of at home. School on the other hand is another story. Every day that he went which wasn't often there was trouble. Except for the first day of course. This is such a battle with him to get him ready and to the bus or even take him to school. As he gets closer to getting to the building his anxiety goes crazy. Friday my wife had a funeral to attend but Joshua had decided he wanted to go to school. This was the first time all week. We encouraged him to go and have a great day at school. But he wanted us to drop him off at school. As we are in the office and the aide from his room arrives to take him to his room, Joshua spins around and goes after my wife hitting her on the side of the head and putting a huge scratch on her forehead. Then threw himself to the floor. We were ushered out the door and around the other door so my wife could get the scratch looked at since blood was now running down into her eyebrows. This is just the first of many fights since Friday. We had another restraint Saturday and one Sunday as well. Then Monday morning he comes after me giving me the same treatment he gave his mom on Friday. Hit with a scratch on the forehead. Again this morning as we are coming out of the bathroom he comes at me all his force. I was able to contain him without any harm to either of us. He was doing so well. There have been no medication changes that would cause this. I just don't understand. I am sorry I have slowed down on this blog I know many of you try to keep up with how Joshua is doing through the blog or the facebook page. I will try to do better.

9/13/12 Oh What A Night

We had one very sick little man on our hands last night.  About 1 am he started feeling ill.  We were up and down with him for the next three and a half hours.  The good news is he is not constipated any more.  I think it may have been a stomach bug because if it wasn't coming out one end it was out the other.  He seems to be feeling alot better this morning.   I don't know if he is just teasing me or not but he has asked me to take him to school now 3 times.  With him being sick like he was though he can't go to school today.  How he has this much energy now after so little sleep is beyond me.  But some how he does.  I think energy is wasted on the youth.

9/11/12 Status Quo

Well it would appear Joshua is not going to progress or regress.  We are doing different things and getting the same results.  I got a call from the school yesterday when he did not go to school.  One of those calls where they say, "have you tried this?", "do you think this will work?".  We have tried everything to get this boy to school, short of hooking a rope around him and dragging him out of the house in his pj's.  When he goes down to the floor and says "I no like to go to school"  you can bet your last dollar that you will not be able to get him out the door.  Its not like we party all day when he stays home.  He loses all electronics use for the day.  No TV usage, No computer usage.  What is so fun about staying home?  By the end of the day when the family gets home he is telling them how much he don't like me.  But we can't get him out the door to go to school.  This is driving me nuts.

So home bound is a no go,  they offered half days where the bus would still do transportation but a later time and still getting home at 230.  Which would be great but there is no way he will go to school for just me with no one else home to encourage him out the door.  I just know I will be getting a letter about attendance in no time at all.  What can we do?

9/10/12 Failure To Launch

I am seeing a common action between our lives and the lives of other parents in our support group of children with bipolar disorder.  The kids just do not want to go to school.  Now a normal kid you can make them go but a kid who rages,  you could get seriously hurt.  I don't know quite what the link is between bipolar and dread of school.  What makes them willing to fight to avoid it?  How can this child get the socialization skills they need if they are never in that setting.  Just getting Joshua out of the house for any trip is rough.  But getting him to go to school is quickly becoming a battle we lose more often than we win.

He was up quite a bit last night.  I know he has to be a bit tired.  Well I base this on how I feel from getting up with him.  We have asked for home bound, lets see if the district follows through.  Not real healthy for me to be inside this box all day every day but don't really have a choice in that.

9/8/12 Would You Like Some Cheese With That Whine

Today has been one of those days were all he has done is whine.  No matter what we have done he has not let up.  He could be eating one thing and in between bites whining for something else.  Those who know what I look like can now understand why I have no hair.  

We did get some news from BTTC the behavior intervention residential facility.  They will be doing an assessment on him on the 26th and if he meets requirements for placement we could get him into that program by the end of the year maybe.  Crossing our fingers because we have about run out of ideas.

He was up bright and early this morning and has been going all out all day long.  He was one tired little fella tonight.  I sure hope he sleeps all night like he did last night.

9/7/12 I No Like To Go To School

I am already tired of hearing that phrase.  I hear it every morning at least once.  We did manage to get to school every day this week except for Monday, a holiday, and today.  Just now he told me he will have to talk to his people on facebook about it.  The things he says sometimes you just can't be upset with him.

We did have some aggressiveness today already.  He normally sits on the sofa with a chair or ottoman in front for him to put his legs on and it keeps him from just hopping right up.  Well as I was standing there behind the chair but in front of him he got upset because I didn't have something he wanted.  He pulled his legs up placed both feet firmly against that chair and shoved it.  Bending my toes up when the chair hit them.  I know to always have shoes on when I stand there.  After he realized I was hurt he did get down to the floor and lay down immediately.

I don't know what it is with these kiddos and school though.  It is a chance for him to go and be around other people but he wants none of it.  They don't demand a lot from him.  I would love to go chill with my buddies.  I sure wish he did.

Fast Forward

As I sit here this morning,  thoughts of the future race around inside my head.  We have had so many changes in our lives over the past 13 years.  When Paula and I first married I had three children from a previous marriage.  After our first year of marriage we had 4 young children in our house.  Those were some interesting times.

Now here we are 13 years later and the two oldest have flown the coup and the next in line is a senior in high school.  Where has the time gone?

Joshua attached himself to each of his older siblings in order.  First Jessica was his favorite in the whole world.  They were very close and he always wanted to be around her.  She is still sometimes able to get him to do things he don't really want to do.  As time passed she graduated and moved on to bigger and better and Joshua really did not understand where his big sister was and why she was not right there for him to pester.  He had a bit of anger toward her not being in the house.  But he moved on to the next in line and Johnathon became his new favorite.  John was very good with him and very excepting of him and his issues.  John went and worked at the summer camp that Joshua attends. They would go for rides in the car, John could even take him to the mall.   John had a great group of friends who also understood Joshua. This went on for several years until it was John's time to take wings.  John went into the Army and Josh was not able to see him or talk to him as much as he can Jessica.  Well then it was Jordanne's turn to be the favorite.  By this time Joshua was a big boy and Jordanne is just a tiny teenager.  There has always been concern if Joshua turned on her she could get hurt really badly.  For the most part Joshua has not been inclined to go after her.  After this year when Jordanne goes to college Joshua will basically be an only child except for the occasional visits from his favorite people on the planet.

As the family has shrunk dad has had a hard time adjusting to each one leaving home.  But I think Joshua has had a much rougher time adjusting.  His life is here and now.   When Jordanne does move away  I am not real sure how he will handle it.  But I know he will have mom and dad here to help him adjust.

9/5/12 Shocked and Amazed

I fell asleep last night about 1030 and was just getting to the good part of my fishing dreams.  You know right after you set the hook and the fish is just about to break the water for your first glimpse?  Just as I felt the line go tight and the fish is headed to the surface I hear a noise.  What could that be?  Oh snap Joshua is awake and now my fish will never be seen.  It's one in the morning and I hear "wakey wakey" come through the monitor.  I know when he says that he getting ready to wake the house.  Then I hear him fumbling around getting out of bed and heading to the living room.  I caught him half way through the living room, and shuffled him to the sofa.  Now I prepare for what is gonna happen next.  Normally he begins to holler for everyone in the house but not this time.  He sits quietly there for a few minutes then decides to go back to bed.  Yes bullet dodged.  I walk him back to his bed and cover him give him a kiss then hurry back to my bed as his eyes close.  This whole thing took about 20 minutes.  I am feeling mighty proud of myself for getting him back down so fast.  But wait there are always two shoes and only one had dropped.  He mumbled for about 10 more minutes in bed before I hear that sound I love, deep restful breaths.  I settle back in and dose off once again but my fishing trip ended and the boat was no where in sight.  Sleeping pretty good when at 215 I hear rustling in the monitor again.  I get up and go to his bedroom door and he has no covers on,  I go in cover him up and go back to bed.  Just as I lay down he starts to talk.  I lay there for another 15 minutes until his deep restful breaths return.  I return to my slumber yet again.  Shortly after three the words flow through the monitor which causes a few choice words to cross my lips.  I get up and he is coming out of his bedroom wants others up but managed to get him to the sofa.  He sat there and talked and grunted and kicked his feet for a little bit but reserved himself to the fact it was he and I awake.  I sat at the table and he put his head back on the back of the sofa.  I thought a few times about helping him lay down but once he gets approached to do something he don't care to do just yet it can turn into an even longer night.  I decide to sit and watch him.  Once again with his head back he seems to be going to sleep.  After what seemed like forever I am convinced he is out and decide to go back to bed.  About 45 minutes this time.  As I am getting up to go back to bed I look over at him and a big smile comes across his face,  then a giggle.  He does this three times.  So much better than having nightmares.  He is dreaming good dreams.  I head back to bed.  Sleeping once again feels so good.  And my wife rolls over and says "here he comes"  about that time his head pops around the wall that leads into our bedroom.  Mom and I talk him down.  Josh go set of the sofa and we will be in we just have to have a little more sleep, just a few more minutes and we will be up.  Close to time for the alarms to go off anyhow.  Trying to squeeze just a little more sleep in we dose until the alarm goes off and my wife hits the floor running.   Me I just need a few more minutes.  Twenty minutes later I am up getting his pills while he is eating breakfast with mom.  Now pill time is not till six so there are a few minutes between when they are done with breakfast and pill time.  In those few minutes he drops off the sofa to the floor and starts getting defiant.  Not wanting to take his pills.  Mom has gone on to start getting dressed and I told him we should be sneaky and take the pills without mom knowing.  It worked he took them quickly.  When mom returned to the room she talked him into brushing his teeth although he had already told us he was not going to school.  Then out of nowhere he wants to go to school if we drive him.  He gets dressed and we are out the door by 645.  Get him to school and he goes right in and takes to his day like a duck to water.  Who would have thought with a night like we had last night that he would be in school today.  This boy always seems to amaze me with his thought process.



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9/4/12 Call With School

Well the call with the school went about as I expected.  She was just gathering information so she could push up the request for home bound education services.  I can tell we are in for some long days ahead.  She explained to me that her concerns were that if we did start home bound the tendency Josh would have not to return to school.  I told her if we can't get him in school we should bring school to him.  I am not all that excited about him being home around the clock myself.  But we have to add the school structure to his schedule one way or another.  I understand we would only be looking at 4-6 hours of service a week with more of his educational requirements falling under my responsibility.  We are also looking at him being in residential treatment for about three months this fall.  But we have to get something started or we are going to be in worse shape than we were at the end of the year last year.  It is two steps forward and three steps back with this kiddo right now.

9/4/12 Great Night Defiant Morning

Josh slept great last night.  He did not wake up once all night long.  This is the first night in a long time that this has been the case.  This morning he got out of bed easily was awake and alert.  Had breakfast and was in a playful mood.

All this changed rather quickly when he realized it was a school day.  When he came to that realization he laid down on the floor and began saying "I no like to go to school".  We did everything short of picking him up and dragging him out the door.  I have written about his size and abilities when it comes to a fight.  We choose our battles, the ones where there is no chance anyone will end up in the hospital.  This is not a battle we could win without 911 having to be called.  I told him there would be no tv or electronics until he went to school.  No playtime. No treats.  None of this had any effect on his stance.  So there he is still on the floor.  Here I am at home.  I think for me, being stuck at home and at my wits end as to what to do for this boy is what triggers my depression.  After 5 days of not being outside or running into other humans all day I am a basket case.  When I start feeling that way I have to remember I can take a break when mom gets around,  he does not have that ability to take a break from his thoughts, he has to live in his head.

With this pattern already developing I have notified the school we will need to look into home bound education and they would need to call an ARD to get the ball rolling on that.  Lets see how long this takes.

9/3/12 Sleep Patterns And Hollering.

Well it is 3am and Joshua has been awake for a little over an hour. He is loud and cranky and the noise he is making is just a blood curdling holler. There is no reason for him to be making these noises that we can see. I wish I could share this sound with you. But my mind is so rattled I don't even know how I could do that. I am sure other parents of bipolar children know the holler. I kind of keep expecting for police to knock on our door any minute he is so loud. There is just no rhyme or reason to his actions. If we interact with him he gets worse if we ignore him he gets worse. No matter what we do it continues. As a parent it breaks your heart to know there is nothing you can do to make your child feel better. A parent of a normal child would consider this to be bratty behavior and if their child acted like this they would give them a time out or a spanking. Neither of those work with a child like Joshua. His actions are completely out of his control. With his limited mental capacity there will always be so much we don't understand about what he goes through. We just have to continue to work on behavior modification and pray it rolls over to all areas of his life. We are now pushing the 2 hour mark of him being awake. He has started to calm. We hope it is quick from calming to sleeping.

9/2/12 Rough Night Last Night

I figured with the little fella hitting the pool yesterday that he would sleep like a baby.  Boy was I wrong.  I dosed off around 10pm.  Wife and I were woke up by 1045 with yelling coming through the monitor.  He was not a happy camper.  We all got up ended up falling asleep on the floor in the living room with him on the sofa around 1am.  He was very needy everyone in the house had to be in the room with him hollering.  He had already had his max dose for all medications so we had no go to rescue.  Wife went to bed sometime and left me on the floor.  My back being what it is you can imagine when I dosed I did not rest.  Around 5 am I got off the floor with most of my appendages asleep, and went and crawled into the bed to try to get some restful sleep.  Just as I was drifting off good at 545 little fella's built in alarm clock went off and again he was bouncing off the walls with his booming voice.  You can imagine we are all cranky at this point.  Sure hope he gets easier to get along with as the day progresses.  I love a full moon don't yall.

9/1/12 Pool Time

I went to my mom's house to work on her generator today and spent a good deal of time away from the house.  I was so proud of being able to pull the fuel intake off of the engine and put it back together and it actually work.  Anyone who knows me and my past will tell you this is not the normal way things work for me.  This is the first time I have worked on a motor where I was able to get it all back together and it actually work in my life and I am in my 40s.  I am just not wired mechanically inclined.


 Joshua seemed to be very tired all day.  Paula and Jordanne did talk him for pool time for a while.  Which kept him awake.  They had a wonderful 30 minutes at the pool.  Of course I had not been able to talk him into going to the pool the week Paula went back to work before the kids resumed school.  He has not spent near as much time in the pool this summer as he did last summer.

I Am Blessed

As of today you all have visited and read of my daily struggles 3400 times.  It sure makes you feel like you are not alone in a struggle when folks come and read about your daily life, and share words of encouragement.  Thank you to all the friends and family who come sometimes several times a day to keep up  on whats going on with my special little fella.

When I started writing this blog I was hopeful that I could share some insight that may help other parents who are going through some of the same things.  My ability to research has been limited and I thank you for hanging in there with me until we can get to that point.

8/31/12 School Day 5 No Go

After a very rough night up at 1am awake till 230am he locked down got on the floor when we were trying to get him to the bus.  Now if he was smaller this would not be an issue we could force him off the floor and to the bus.  As I have gotten older I realize I can't do that with a 190 lb 13 year old boy who hits as hard as a grown man and scratches like a rabid racoon.  So what do you do,  the only thing you can do you tell him if he does not go there are no activities which he enjoys for the day.  No TV, WII, or treats.  Still this does not persuade him because in his mind he is not going to school regardless of the circumstances.  It took all year last year to get to this point and here we are at that point on the 5th day of school.  So we are back to a life of not doing anything while he is at school because he is not at school.  Today we make some calls to see where we are in the line for the residential behavior treatment.  This life is not an easy one and the rewarding part is few and far between.  It has an effect on relationships both far and near.  It is not a life for a weak person,  as they would not survive it.  Even us strong ones have our moments when we just throw our hands up.  Now as long as I can make it through today without having any attacks because of our rules from the morning of no entertainment if you don't go to school.

8/30/12 TROUBLE

We had a pretty good morning even though it was an early start.  Little man did real well with his morning rituals eating breakfast, brushing teeth, washing face, getting dressed and waiting for the bus.  When did the trouble start you ask.  As soon as the bus opened the doors and he started to step on.  He locked down with his hands on the rails and pushed back.  Like trying to push a mule.  He did not want to get on the bus and got very upset.  Now normally when he does this someone gets clocked pretty good.  We continued to urge him to get on the bus for a few minutes before he complied and went up the steps.  I could tell for what ever reason he did not want to go.  I sure hope he is able to pull it together and have a good day.  I have this sinking feeling that he will not be having a wonderful day.  So hard to remain positive.

8/29/12 Third Day Of School

Well the third day of school was full of sleep time for the little fella.  He slept hard all night for the first time in a while.  Even slept in his bed for the first time since his last hospitalization.  He still managed to have several marks off on his point sheet at school.  3 days into the school year and his arms and legs are already showing the signs of a rough year.  He was very hard to keep awake when he got home from school.  I figure it will take some time to get his sleep patterns to school mode.

Tonight he slept in his bed until 330 that is when he woke up.  Gonna be a long day for him and us.  At this point he is wired for surround sound.  I don't see him going back to sleep anytime soon.

8/28/12 Rough Day At School

Joshua had a very rough day at school with 5 write ups.  4 of those 5 were advisement of restraints.  He was generally disagreeable all day according to what the write ups indicated.  Not wanting to do any work and being aggressive.  With school restraints come bruises.  There are several bruises on his arms and legs.  He has a tendency to swing wildly and throw himself to the floor kicking anything and everything in sight.  Not only did we get the 5 write ups with the details of everything that transpired but I also got a call before he left school from the new assistant director of the program.

Once he got home he was fine.  Really tired but spot on with his actions.  So dad got the better part of his day.

Cheers

8/28/12 First Day Of School

Well yesterday was the first day back to school for little fella.  He did not sleep well the night before, as in he woke up at 220 and was up from then on.  It was a long day for everyone.  When it came time to get ready he was eager to go to school,  not like toward the end of last year.  He got dressed and ready in record time.  On the bus with no problem and away he went.  The letter from the teacher was nothing but praise.  He did everything that was ask of him.  Last year was nothing like this.  We are hoping that this continues.  When he got home his eyes were so heavy.  We sat and snacked and watched his favorite show for a while then he was off to play on the computer for a bit.  That did not last but about 10 minutes.  When he came back in he looked like he was ready to nod off but managed to stay awake.  I gave him his pills at 5 and he wanted to watch just one more episode of COPS so we did about 10 minutes into the show he fell asleep even with me talking with him.  I continued to try to wake him until mom got home from work.  He slept hard.  He did managed to wake up for a while with mom and sister home but that was not long lived.   We were all in bed by 8pm.  Good thing too because at 1am he woke up and was up until about 230.  His broken sleep patterns is gonna make us all old.  This morning he did say "I no like to go to school" but he still hopped right up on the bus and went.  I hope this is not the starting of what we saw at the end of last school year where every day was a fight and many of those fights we lost.

8/27/12 The Night Before School

Well he did make it past the 1am mark in a way.   Paula ended up on the other sofa rather early but with just soft whispers ever so often he would drift back off to sleep.  220 am he demanded to see dad then wanted to get aggressive with me which was short lived.  He wants everyone in the house up again but we are trying to make sure she gets the most sleep she can.  She starts her Senior year tomorrow,  we would love to see her finish up with a class rank as close to where she is or higher.  He sits there not even able to hold his head up.  Fighting to stay awake and doing everything he can to wake up everyone in the house.  I know he will be tired tomorrow night, if they can keep him awake at school.   We just have to make it through tonight.

8/26/13 Cranky Awakening

Yet again it is 2am and I am sitting at the table with a loud cranky bipolar child.  For over an hour we have had screaming and ranting and raving.  It is the kinds of sounds that will make you question your own sanity. I shudder at the thought of what it would be like if he did not take any medication.  I also shudder at the thought that he is trapped in himself and can not escape the demons in his mind.

As a result pretty much everyone in the house is cranky.  The relationships are strained.  It is very difficult to maintain any normalcy in a house that is controlled by these consistent midnight, 1 am nightmares.  He can not tell us what is going on in his head because he is so busy working on getting the next scream out.

He did so well today with his haircut and bath.  We had absolutely no problems getting him to sit still for the haircut.  As soon as the cut was done he went straight to the bath.  It is just nuts how he can go from that sweet child to this middle of the night creature you would expect to hear on scifi channel in the middle of ghost hunters week.

9/23/12 Sneaky Pete

I think my little Sneaky Pete pulled a quick one on me with his sleep pattern from the last post.  Tonight he woke up at 10pm and shows no sign of being tired.  He was impossible to keep awake today.  All we could do was interrupt his naps every 10-15 minutes.  Tonight may be another one of those long nights.  I may wish that I would have slept today when he did before the nights over.  At least he is not yelling for momma every 2 seconds like he was doing.  If I can keep him focused on something other than the fact she is in the bedroom and has to work in the morning all should be OK.

8/23/12 Sleep At Last

I was able to catch up on alot of sleep thanks to my wonderful wife last night.  I had laid down at 3 when Joshua went for a nap and had set an alarm for 1 hour.  She got home before my alarm went off so she took the afternoon shift to let me catch up just in case it was another late night.  I woke up about 945 and the whole house was asleep.  I encouraged my wife to go to the bed and not spend another minute on the sofa.  She did and I prepared for the midnight awakening.  He spoke out several times in his sleep but never did fully wake up until 700 am.  I had broken sleep between midnight and 7 as everytime he would say anything we would think he was waking up.  I would go in check on him cover him back up and he would snuggle down and start snoring again.

Today it has been very hard to keep him awake.  I am thinking that the two tenex at night might be half a pill too much.  I will speak of this to the doctor on Monday when we go back.  With that bit of sleep I had I am good for at least another 4 days.

8/22/12 The Road We Travel

It is now 2 am and I am doing the same thing I have done for the last several nights.  Sitting at the table with a little man wide awake in the living room.  There is nothing that I can do that will make him happy.  He does not want me but those who have to be asleep because of their schedules.  Just knowing that there is nothing I can do to make him happy makes me sad.  Knowing that as the night progresses it will get worse makes me even more sad.  I think of the "normal" all around us and ask myself why daily.  Why were we chosen for this particular road to travel.  People just on the other side of the street have no clue what we go through daily, yet people on the other side of the ocean who are reading this do know what we go through.  Only another parent who has child with special needs can appreciate the words written here.  At the end of the day I can only hope we were chosen to travel this road because we were the best choice for the child.  But tonight I can tell you I am not in the best shape for this child.  I did not rest yesterday when he did and I am paying for that tonight.

We have a call in to the doctor earlier today to see about changing the meds back to where they were prior to our last visit.  Before this up all night theme came to play.  This just can not continue.  There has to be an end to the every night wake up screams.  I did manage to sleep from 1030 till 1 am.  Joshua did not fall asleep until almost 10 tonight so I thought there was a good chance he would have stayed asleep.  Wishful thinking on my part.

8/21/12 End of Rope

This makes the third night I have been up all night with a screaming child.  I am at the end of my rope as to what to do for him.  Everyone in the house is miserable.  What can we do.  I am so tired of being yelled at.  He calls for mom in his rantings but when she came out at 445 he tried to hit her.  I just don't know anymore what we can do.

8/20/12 WTH I Want SLEEP

Here it is 2:52 in the frigging morning.  After spending all night last night sitting here at the table with a child wide awake and him being awake all day, here I am again.  He slept from about 830 to 130 and now he is wide awake again, and cranky.  Ok maybe I am the one who is cranky.  No he is cranky too.  I just don't understand how he can possibly be awake.  It has me questioning my own sanity at this point.  Trapped in a really bad dream and unable to wake up from it.  I guess its like a wide awake nightmare.  I managed to get 3.5-4 hours of sleep yesterday morning after Paula got up and so far tonight about another 3.5 hours.  If this continues at this rate I will be a zombie in no time.  On the bright side I am not wasting my time with such things as sleep.

8/19/12 Early Startings

Captains Log 1254am

The native is restless.  It looks as though the sleep pattern is being established as one that is going to be all screwed up.  He starts off with a low rumbling calling the names of all inhabitants of his residence and continues in rapid succession until everyone in his house is awake.  I had taped a football game to watch tonight and avoided all media outlet information which may give away the score of said game.  I fell asleep trying to watch it.  Only to be awaken to this rumble that grew, and continues to grow even as I write this.  I have tried to console him but he will not be hampered with the kinds of facts I am offering him.  Like it is still the middle of the night.  His brother went out to see some friends tonight and it is like the little fella knew.  I headed off said brother at the pass but it appears the little wrangler knows he is back.  I have a feeling this new information could go either way.  I am afraid it is going to turn into a bitter battle.  I pray not but I am prepared now.  I say I am prepared but you can never truly be prepared for a full rage from your child.  It is like someone reaches into your chest pulls your heart out and crushes it in their hands as it still beats.  Many years ago before I knew about bipolar disorder and how widespread it really is I would see kids in stores go into rages like what my child goes through.  My thoughts were always about what a lack of control the parents had of their kids.  Now I am not saying every child who acts out has bipolar disorder.  What I am saying is you just never know what those parents go though if in fact their child is in this category.  It is heart breaking to see your child struggle so hard to maintain control and then fail to be able to maintain without external assistance.  To have to wrap your child in a blanket to keep their hands under control so they can not hit or scratch you is something no parent should have to endure.  To sit awake and listen to your child in a night terror and be completely unable to do anything for them.  I try to only keep him safe when he is in his far away place and in full rage as nothing I do or say will calm him.  He will either calm down or escalate with no help from me. Sometimes if I try to calm him it just pushes him further into a rage.  I just have to be there should he not be able to remain safe.  It is like watching a train wreck.  You don't want to watch it or be in it,  but you just can not step away.  In one of my earlier ramblings I speak of not getting lost in this life dealing with this disorder.  It is so hard not to be completely consumed by this mental illness that we deal with on a daily basis.  But I just remember he deals with his thoughts 24/7 he can not turn it off.

Bragging

On the facebook page http://www.facebook.com/pages/Shut-Up-About-Your-Perfect-Kid they sometimes ask for the followers to brag about something special about their imperfect kids.  With my little guy I can say that one thing that is perfect about him is the amount of love he has for his siblings.  I think it can be best displayed in the video below where his older brother had been stationed in Korea and was home for a long visit.  It was a complete surprise to Joshua.  Warning if you watch it make sure your volume is not at 100%.

Follow Life and Bipolar Times on Facebook

8/17/12 Great Day

Well today was the day that Joshua's brother arrived from Ft Bragg for a long weekend visit.  It was a wonderful surprise for Joshua.  There was so much love for his brother and it rubbed off on the rest of the family as well.  By late afternoon we had our children worn out and sleeping all over the living room.  Those photos can be seen of facebook at the following link.
http://www.facebook.com/LifeAndBipolarTimes

That's pure love right there

8/16/12 Less Than 12 Hours Away

Well we are less than 12 hours from Joshua's brother being home for the weekend.  I can not wait to see the look on his face when his brother comes through the door.

On another note it was 1120 tonight when he woke up.  Almost on que with the previous two nights.  So we continue to see this pattern with him waking up near the same time but tonight there has been no fight yet.  We did have an appointment today and there were slight dosage adjustments but he is pretty much right where he was when we went into the appointment.  The daily intake of Geodon is the same but the dosage for the three times a day he takes it was evened out.  I am taking the time when he is awake but not aggressive, to do a little reading on the rages.  I will be posting about this coming up real soon.

Wish us luck with this weekends activities.

8/15/12 11PM

Don't know what it is about 11pm but for the last two nights Joshua has awaken in a violent rage.  Tonight he got up very quietly and went to the TV,  and began pounding the screen.  Which got both of us out of bed rather quickly.  He hits the 60 inch big screen with such force that it lifts the front off the floor.  We have already replaced the front outside screen with a heavy duty plexi glass since he busted it when he was younger.  I just don't understand how he can even manage to fight us with the medications he is on.  Right now as I write this he is sitting on the sofa half asleep.  Still he will not go lay down and get comfortable and go to sleep.  Thank goodness we have a 1230 appointment with the PDOC tomorrow.

8/14/12 Soap Box

Very few things about folks gets my blood boiling.  One thing has really gotten me this morning.  It was a post of facebook.  It was not so much the post itself that bothered me but the comments from the peanut gallery.

The post
How do you feel about children as young as 3 taking psychiatric medications? There are currently FDA approved psychiatric meds for children ages 3 and up, the most common is Adderall for ADHD. According to clinical psychologist, Dr. Jeff Daly, "really young children can have psychological issues and treating them can be challenging, although we don't reach for medication unless we have tried everything, and there are many successful non-medication treatments for young children." Post your questions here and watch "Ask Dr. Daly" this Wednesday at 7:20am for the answers.




I was going to protect the identities but hell they posted it on facebook so no need to hide anything.

• 

  Breanna Ramey Daughtridge America The Drugged! :p No way in hell would I medicate a toddler, with that stuff they cause more problems then they solve.

  33 minutes ago ·  · 1
• 

  Jr Delarosa dont like it

  33 minutes ago · 
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  Vance Kincaid ‎99.9% of the time it's wrong

  31 minutes ago · 
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  Stephanie Christine Martin I did a scholarly article last semester about this very issue. From a behaviorist perspective, I think it is foolish to prescribe children drugs to subdue their natural energy and reactions. It is unnatural, addicting, and unhealthy. The problem is that adults are not patient enough with children to teach them behaviors that are socially acceptable, rather than passively stuff their faces with drugs.

  30 minutes ago ·  · 2
• 

  Yitzi Vargas 

  As a mother to a ADHD child with Tourette syndrome. I don't agree that a child of the age of three should be taking psychotic drugs. I didn't decide to medicate my son till he was 8 years of age. I try alternative treatments before hand. He...See More

  26 minutes ago · 
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  Yitzi Vargas My question to the doctor would be after long use off any type off psychological medications could children develop more psychological problems?

  24 minutes ago ·  · 1
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  Lili Gonzalez Palacios ‎...or the Pediatrician tries to make you feel stupid or "missinformed" and asks to see your degree when you refuse to give them things such as Respiridone. Happens ALL the time. "I'm the doctor, I know what's best, you NEED to trust me".

  24 minutes ago · 
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  Antonella Castaldo BIG BU$INESS.

  24 minutes ago · 
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  Cherrie Lou Ilog Echon For me they are not really thinking about the welfare of the child. They are actually doing this for their convenience! They are embarrassed when in public places, when in fact they should be ashamed of themselves. Toddlers can be controlled with proper discipline. Consulting a behavior therapist would be more productive.

  20 minutes ago · 
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  Amy Marie Price well in my case it would be nice I wish this was allowed when my lil girl was that age they wouldnt do any thing tell she was five and went off the deep end. its not for every kid ad if they do it they need to run a grip of test befor saying a 3 year old needs it.

  20 minutes ago · 
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  Bryan Mickle I wonder how many commenting here have children who have issues such as sever bipolar or have even been in a setting where these children exist.

  16 minutes ago ·  · 1
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  Amy Marie Price ‎@bryan thats what I was thinking to put them selfs in our shoes for a few hours and they wouldnt last they would be asking for the meds fast.Its bs how every one looks at it as just medicat ing a child well there are a lot of kids who need it

  12 minutes ago ·  · 1
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  Norma Jean Kiernan Bryan, I do and it is a tough question. We did not medicate my child until she was about 13, but it did not solve the problem and even now, it's hit and miss. Another of my children was given adderall for ADHD. but it increased his heart rate so much that we had to remove it. All drugs have risks. But I think toddlers should not be experimented with.

  12 minutes ago ·  · 1
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  Bryan Mickle I invite anyone of them to come visit for a month and I will let them see what a bipolar child can do to their thoughts on the medications.

  11 minutes ago · 
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  Katie Simpson My son who's now 5 buy was 4 at the time suffers from really awful night terrors. Our family Dr. Wanted to send him
  To A psychiatrist to be evaluated for medication. I got a second opinion through a Dr. At primary children's. After showing ...See More

  8 minutes ago · 
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  Melissa Kay Fisher A child that young has no business being on medications like that...makes me sick.

  7 minutes ago · 
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  Amy Marie Price yes yes I give em a few hours with my lil girl they would be running for the hills. mind u all she is super smart funny and what not but boy o boy with her adhd and bipolar u wouldnt no what hit u . @ norma yes with meds its always a hit n miss

I would be more than happy to open my home for someone with an open mind to come get their arses handed to them by a child who is mutli diagnosis such as my little man.  People who do not live it will never understand.  I am guilty of not understanding it myself until little fella came into our lives.B